Whoops!! Whoops!!! Whew, at last he finally proposed, it’s been a long time coming and you can not contain your joy. You are glad she happily said “Yes”. Now is the time to start racking in the contacts of the bridal vendors you have been screen grabbing from your archive, sending an email to the baddest make up artist in town, on to Bella naija to pick the colour combinations in vogue, checking out the tuxedo for you and your guys, get that bad ass shade you have always eyed to put on with your flowing Agbada, make order for the red bottom his/hers you have been saving up for,oh yes that spacious hall that has spots for nice pictures that you have always eyed, now is the time to put a call through to them to check the availability of your date or on the other hand you are employing the service of the most talked about rave of the moment event planner in town.
In the midst of all the excitement and celebration, can I get few minutes to discuss somethings with you? If yes, I am sure your are already battling your eyelid already thinking what is it that has to be said again, not to worry we are finding out now. As a guy, u have always had your specs for your wife that peng and banging body, beautiful face, fashion conscious and you my lady has always wanted the tall, dark, handsome nicely bearded guy, you both have landed your dream partner but asides all of the physical attributes, Do you share same values and goals about marriage?
I hear you say, “I don’t wanna go there, we
should never go there ” in breezy’s voice. Trust me darling it is essential we go there, we sure really have to.
In your mind, you are already saying we love each other that I am quite sure of or what else? I feel butterflies in my stomach when we are together, for all I know love conquereth all things , sure I know this but have you thought for a minute “What would be the sustaining fuel on days that the love can not hold the centre or the butterflies in your stomach go on strike and you can not feel them?
So while you await the voucher via your mobile bank app to start making those preparatory calls, lets quickly run over these points together:
* Faith/Believe: It does not matter if they are Christians /muslims, the bone of contention should be, Do they live it?
It is easily for anyone to claim they believe but it takes a thorough person to make it a way of life, how well do their belief reflect in their daily actions , interactions and in situations in which they seem helpless? Do they truly commit and submit to God or all na just mouth?
* Friendship: Do you see yourself bearing it all uncensored as it is with this person? Do you have to walk on egg shells and carefully filter your words because of impending damage you envisage? Can you share your conversations like you have it with your guys and ladies with this person and still know the centre holds?
Marrying your “true friend “is a plus as it pays on the long run when issues arises and the love is not in the air at that moment, the “friendship” drives you both to pick up and start newly.
*Communication : How well do you effectively and actively communicate? I am not implying arguments, I mean a decent conversation. Herein, I mean how well does he/she listens when there are unresolved issues? Do they listen to pick the message being passed across to make a joint resolution or listen to pin down mistakes in your presentation of words to thrive over than try to make amends? Do they turn communication into a competition of who is better?
* Compromise: Do they acknowledge that there is a difference in background /upbringing and other values and ready to shift grounds and stance to accommodate you halfway or always wanting things done their way or no way?
* Trust $ Loyalty: Is he/she someone you can vouch for and know to a considerable extent would not hurt you intentionally with acts, words and actions? Do they see themselves as being accountable to you and you know you are to them as well? Is he/she a person that can be asked for clarification on issues?
* Secrets: As it is going to be part of the vows to be taken, to stick together in good and bad times,to become “one” and do things in oneness. There is a need to be sure if he/she is someone that wants to be absolutely free, live a single life while married, Is he/she a “we or I ” person, doing things on their own, keeping secrets where it is not even necessary? Not to say we all should not have a personal up building even when married but you should be readable and open to your intended partner.
* Conflict Resolution / Anger Management : This is another vital/major point,how good are they with dispute resolution? Are they the one to turn every little misunderstanding to a full blown malice, Where you turn to the emotional needy one always begging to get matters resolved and for things to take the normal shape? Your emotional tank is always drained as a result of your constant begging, taking faults even you are right, always acting the bigger person and they are not making efforts to be better? How well do they manage and contain anger? Are they one to spit the unimaginable words around under the influence of anger?
* Mentorship: what is this one again? You are wondering already, marriage should just be the two of you now? Yes I know but there are times that issues takes another turn and there may be need for someone with a better experience of marriage to step in, so is he /she someone that can be reprimanded and corrected without taking grudge? Do they have someone they sincerely and truly respect and listen to? On days that you have exhausted your knowledge of peace making, who is that one person you know to be in the position to tell them the truth as it is?
* Finance: Money can be a torn in the flesh also if not properly managed and agreed on, now is the time to talk about it. Mark out the percentage that has to go in for various purposes as agreed on together without hurting or causing conflicts.
I am sure it has been a long read and you will agree with me they are points to look out for. While the plans are rolling in on one end ,see to it that you make amends where necessary based on what has been reviewed. Not saying with these in check,there would not be disagreements but it will ease the stress of joining the above with it.
Till you hear from me and I read from you about how well you have made wave, Remember “It is never too late to mend the bridge”.